<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>relationships according to pilar salazar by tinywindows</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29689389">relationships according to pilar salazar</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/tinywindows/pseuds/tinywindows'>tinywindows</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Love Victor (TV 2020)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/F, Fluff, Getting Together, M/M, Picnics, Post-Canon</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-16 02:01:26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>14,169</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29689389</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/tinywindows/pseuds/tinywindows</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>a summary of pilar's brief relationship history, both familial and romantic, and how these relationships impact her views on the world and herself</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Benjamin "Benji" Campbell/Victor Salazar, Mia Brooks/Pilar Salazar, Past Pilar Salazar/Eric (Love Victor)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>relationships according to pilar salazar</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>none of the salazar children are straight.</p><p>also i'm really sorry if anything seems out of character, i try my best to write as true to their characters as possible but...</p><p>enjoy &lt;3</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Eric: Graham, Texas – 2018</p><p> </p><p>She remembers the first day of eighth grade when a boy with ripped black skinny jeans and small shiny studs in his ears walked into her life. He was something not many had seen in their small town of Graham, Texas. The silver cross laying on his sweater was the only thing about him that seemed to fit the town's image, the rest of his chains, however, did not. Most of the boys her age would wear slacks to school instead of jeans and wouldn't even think twice about even asking to get their ears pierced. That's just how it was there. Just like how girls wear dresses not suits and not one of them had hair shorter than shoulder-length.</p><p> </p><p>He had a sort of swagger in his step as he glided across the classroom, flashing a lazy smile to most before glancing her way and holding eye contact for slightly longer than what she thought was normal. Of course the spot next to her, usually filled by her friend Mandy, was vacant as her family had yet to return from their trip to Florida. But she is completely surprised when the new kid sits next to her. He releases his backpack from his shoulders and plops it on the floor by their table. He places his phone face up on the lab desk, his home screen, an image of the Babadook, flashes quickly before fading to black.</p><p> </p><p>Now Pilar Salazar isn't one to swoon over boys. Ask anyone, especially her friends, who always try to get her to join as they rank them all in their yearbooks ('What's the point? They're all ugly" - is her usual response). But something was different about this one. Everyone in this town cared too much about public perception, even the boys. Most of them played football or soccer in the fall, basketball in the winter and baseball in the spring. They refrained from any sort of casual hugs or really any sign of affection and went for pats on the back and special handshakes instead. The only movies they knew contained superheroes or an underdog that beats the odds and wins the championship or whatever the hell happens in those cheesy coming of age, "based on a true story," sports dramas. They were the good boys their mamas needed them to be when they were in church, but would objectify the girls in their class just enough to prove they were the straight manly men the town expected and forced them to be. None of them ever had an original thought. This boy is different, at least for now, until he gets consumed by the desire to fit in like every teenager does.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm Pilar" she states, her voice as monotone as she can make it and her eyes now fixed on the blackboard in the front of the classroom. Maybe if she doesn't look at him, she can pretend she isn't intrigued by his presence or why he decided to sit next to her.</p><p> </p><p>He turns his head, watching as she continues to face the blackboard where their teacher, Mr. Herrera, has just begun to speak. In the cockiest way ever, he smirks and gives her a slight nod as he replies "Eric".</p><p> </p><p>She thinks maybe he isn't as different as she thought. Later, she will look back on this moment and realize how right she was.</p><p> </p><p>But for now they sit in silence for a week, Mandy has returned from her trip to Florida, but sits next to her newfound boyfriend TJ, who conveniently got moved into their class after her return. Her and Eric truly haven't said anything towards each other since they introduced themselves until Mr. Herrera announces they are now lab partners and that they must work on an upcoming project together.</p><p> </p><p>She doesn't really remember what the project was on, but she remembers the frequent meetings that result from it. She remembers them being the only ones sitting in the library, getting hushed by the librarian and eventually getting kicked out because he made her laugh too hard. She remembers them talking about their favorite horror movies and their preferred pizza toppings. But she also remembers telling him about her family, about how she feels like she doesn't really know them no matter how close they are, and that they don't really know her.</p><p> </p><p>He tells her the reason why his family moved here: his father went out to drink one night when the firm's numbers weren't doing so well and crashed into a telephone pole. Everyone had heard about the incident(since he was brought in for a DUI) including his boss, who offered him a quiet resignation, which he accepted. This resulted in him moving his family half way across the country for a job with a similar company in Fort Worth.</p><p> </p><p>She remembers the moment when they decide to hang out at Shawnee Park after they get too tired of trying to make sense of their collective incomprehensible notes. They are absentmindedly swaying on the swing set when he grabs the chains of her swing and pulls her in for a kiss.</p><p> </p><p>"Why did you do that?" She asks simply, still in awe.</p><p> </p><p>"Because I felt like it."</p><p> </p><p>She scoffs. It sounds like something straight out of the rom-coms her mom makes her watch with her. She tells him as much and he chuckles.</p><p> </p><p>"I don't do romance." She tells him later.</p><p> </p><p>He smiles. "I don't either."</p><p> </p><p>From there, he asks her to be his girlfriend and they go across the street for ice cream. When they get their order, he dips his finger in the huge pile of whipped cream on top of his sundae and taps it on her nose. She retaliates with her own whipped cream and as they laugh, she thinks she finally understands the appeal of being in a relationship.</p><p> </p><p>And so he doesn't really plan extravagant proposals or perform many public displays of affection, but she was fine with that(at least that's what she told herself). They may call each other "boo" and "babe" but the pet names never really have any meaning and only serve as a way to placate their friends who feel like they don't act like a "real couple" otherwise.</p><p> </p><p>While she wants to still believe he is different, over time she notices how he doesn't seem to even acknowledge her presence when they're around other people. He too falls into a role, but instead of playing the good Christian or the dumb jock he plays the silent brooding bad boy. He starts lying to keep the image but once he starts he can't stop.</p><p> </p><p>One day, she catches him with Ryan and Jake, who are passing around a handle of whiskey. Once it reaches Eric, he takes a long sip then tries to hide his grimace. She knows Ryan and Jake won't notice but she does. It reminds her of a conversation they had when they had first started dating. He had told her about the frequent nights when the entire world seemed loud and angry. When the most horrible symphony played out in his house, where cymbals in the form of glasses crashed and his father's voice would build in a crescendo. His father would sway along to his own performance without really meaning to. He told her about how it would stay playing in his mother's head long after his father had gone to bed. How he would whisper little things about his day to her as she cried until his stories overpowered the symphony and it would end as quietly as it always started. The one common denominator was always the whiskey (his father's favorite drink) that had filled the once whole glass, before it was scattered across one of their rugs, now stained with the liquid.</p><p> </p><p>She waits until Ryan and Jake leave to confront him about it. She feels like she doesn't even know the person standing in front of her. But maybe she doesn't know the real Eric. They hadn't even known each other a year.</p><p> </p><p>"This isn't you." She tries anyways.</p><p> </p><p>In the darkest voice she's ever heard him use, he says what she had been fearing: "You don't know that."</p><p> </p><p>The next day, her parents sit her, Victor and Adrian down to tell them they are moving to Atlanta. So her and Eric both pretend that day never happened and they try to go back to the way they used to be. They spend every day before she leaves cuddled together watching the entirety of Bates Motel and he goes back to being the Eric she used to have so much fun with. She gets to once again appreciate the smile that he only gives her when they are alone. He tells her how much he's going to miss her and she believes him as she curses the world for being so unfair. Then her family moves to Atlanta where she can't talk to Eric every day and her parents want to take their leftover anger from their increased fighting out on her as if it's her fault.</p><p> </p><p>They have their FaceTime movie dates as they had planned when she was back in Texas but, for obvious reasons, it's not the same as before. There are awkward pauses and long silences that don't feel as natural as they did in person. Even when they talk, his mind seems to be farther away than the distance between Atlanta and Graham. He is just out of reach and it scares her. She knows he's slipping away but doesn't know what to do about it. Normally she'd confront him about it, but he is almost a thousand miles away and he shouldn't be blamed for what results of that.</p><p> </p><p>But when she catches him liking Giselle's photo and hanging out with her at the mall, she knows that's something she has the right to be angry about. Yet she doesn't bring it up. She doesn't bring it up because she can feel him slipping away and she doesn't want this to be the straw that breaks the camel's back. She's lost all sense of familiarity except for him. She can't lose him too.</p><p> </p><p>She makes a mistake trying to salvage a relationship she secretly knows she's lost anyways. But she realizes that it probably wouldn't make a difference and that it would only hurt her in the process. So she doesn't send the photos. And Eric breaks up with her.</p><p> </p><p>She thinks of the days when they'd be in a group of friends and he'd forget she existed. She had never caught him with other girls but she thinks that's probably because he knew she'd kill him if he did anything like that. At least, while she was around. She did say she didn't want romance. But she knows she doesn't want whatever their relationship was, either.</p><p> </p><p>Nevertheless she still mourns what was lost. She learns that this was only the start of a seemingly endless stream of helplessness as her world crumbles before her eyes. First it was Eric breaking up with her, then it was her mother cheating, then Victor doing the same. She knew her family was hiding things but being right never made her so upset. She wishes she could talk to Eric about this. He's the only one she's talked to about her family and he's the only one who would understand how she's feeling. But everyone, including him, has slipped away from her and now she's left alone.</p><p> </p><p>Mia: Atlanta, Georgia – 2020</p><p> </p><p>If Pilar was asked how she'd describe Mia Brooks she would say she is a light. Pilar would say she has a seemingly endless amount of energy that she spreads through the world around her. She's never met someone as pure as Mia. But in the process of her world crumbling before her eyes, she lost this light. She lost one of the only people in Atlanta that made her feel right.</p><p> </p><p>She feels so stupid even thinking about Mia in this sense. She tries to text her in hopes of saving what was left of their friendship, but her messages have all been left on delivered. She feels so stupid about caring so much about someone that had only talked to her because of Victor.</p><p> </p><p>There is this awkwardness between her and Victor that she knows is because her brother is trying to earn back her trust and forgiveness. But she doesn't know how he would do that and she doesn't think she's the one that needs to forgive him. That's for Mia to decide. But should he be forgiven just because he did it out of fear and with good intentions? Maybe, eventually.</p><p> </p><p>She feels a little bit like a stalker as she watches Mia go to her locker every day after. It's more that she's trying to get up the nerve to go over there and talk to her, but she never does. She's imagined their friendship a certain way and she's not ready for it to all be torn up. Even worse, she's afraid Mia will tell her that they were never friends to begin with.</p><p> </p><p>When she watches Mia, she thinks of the heels in her closet. They are so simple and elegant in a way that she knows she's not. She knows she has to return them at some point but she doesn't know how she's going to yet. Thinking of the heels makes Pilar think of how amazing Mia looked that night. She remembers the lovely berry purple of her lipstick. How the lights of the gymnasium caught the glitter around her eyes and in her dress. How her silver sparkles contrasted the golden orbs of old Hollywood lights – the star of the show – standing out in the crowd like she truly deserved to. Something was off about her demeanor that night, but Pilar had still never seen anything more beautiful. Mia shined so bright that night before her light was dimmed.</p><p> </p><p>It wasn't extinguished completely but what was left is a small, unsure, flickering thing that in no way resembles the beams that were there before. Pilar would do anything to bring it back. She decides to start trying by bringing back her heels.</p><p> </p><p>On Thursday, almost a week after Spring Fling, Pilar brings the heels to school in a crumpled Target bag from her mom's collection in their pantry. The bag doesn't seem fitting for what seems to be a really nice and expensive pair of shoes, but it was all she could find in the morning rush out of her apartment. She fiddles with the handles of the bag as she finally walks over to Mia's locker, where she is surprisingly alone. She doesn't usually get this nervous unless she knows she's about to get in trouble with her parents.</p><p> </p><p>She watches as Mia fiddles with her books for a moment before she gets the courage to say a simple "Hi." It sounds so timid in her ears.</p><p> </p><p>All Pilar could see in Mia's expression was surprise as she turns away from her locker to face her. Mia also seems to fiddle but with the zipper of her pencil case. "Hi." She replies simply and Pilar really can't figure out what is going through her head right now. It would make things a whole lot easier if she could actually tell what Mia is thinking. If Mia had just slammed the locker in her face and walked away, at least Pilar would know where they stood with each other.</p><p> </p><p>"Look, I don't know if you're mad at me or if you don't want to be friends with me anymore..." She starts but then switches to "I just wanted to give you your shoes back and say that I completely understand if you don't want to talk to me after this." She's hoping that Mia's silence is just a result of the awkward situation they have been put in, but she doesn't like the uncertainty she's feeling.</p><p> </p><p>Now Mia just furrows her eyebrows in confusion. "Why wouldn't I want to talk to you?"</p><p> </p><p>"Well, you haven't responded to any of my texts, so I just assumed you were only friends with me because of Victor and that after everything that's happened you didn’t want to talk to me."</p><p> </p><p>"Do you really think I was only friends with you because of Victor?" Mia pauses and her question is answered with a shy head nod as Pilar's eyes are fixed on her beat-up black Converses. "I haven't checked my phone since the dance, so I just haven't gotten your messages. Of course I still want to be friends with you, Pilar."</p><p> </p><p>Pilar's shoulders visibly sag in relief, glad her fears were disproven. Now that Mia has confirmed that they are still friends, she relaxes a little. This doesn't mean she isn't still concerned about her.</p><p> </p><p>"Why haven't you checked you phone?"</p><p> </p><p>"Let's just say that I agree with you sentiment that the world is full of fake, crappy people." Pilar doesn't have to ask her what she means by that. She's heard the whispers that have passed through the lips of the student body like a disease. They think they are protected by locker doors and the scuffle of sneakers against linoleum but Pilar has always been nosy. She sees the side glances that her and Mia are getting now as people pass by. She can only imagine the theories that are bound to accompany them soon. High schoolers have a habit of treating fragile situations poorly. They strip them of emotion and overall humanity so they don't feel guilty about enjoying it all. Pilar and Mia are unfortunately some of the many casualties of this.</p><p> </p><p>She realizes that the Target bag with Mia's heels is still hanging loosely from her fingertips so she holds it out to her. Mia gives her an awkward, barely-there smile as she takes the bag and places it delicately in her locker. She's sees Mia's eyes catch on a photo of her and Victor on her locker door as she does this, lingering for a little bit before choosing to instead focus on her ballet flats. Pilar doesn't like this deflated version of her at all.</p><p> </p><p>"Are you busy on Saturday?" She asks in the spur of the moment before she can think twice about it.</p><p> </p><p>"No, actually, I'm not."</p><p> </p><p>"Let's hang out."</p><p> </p><p>"Really?"</p><p> </p><p>"Do you know of any good places to go around here?" For the most part the only place she has gone besides school and home is Brasstown. But there is no way she's going to suggest that they go there.</p><p> </p><p>"I know the perfect place."</p><p> </p><p>"The perfect place" winds up being a small hill deep in the woods that overlooks a waterfall. Mia brings a small blanket for them to sit on as they bask in the isolation. The running water soothes the tension resting on both of their shoulders. Pilar thinks this spot seems almost too perfect. She doesn't feel like she fits the serenity of it.</p><p> </p><p>They sit and talk for a while. Before coming to Atlanta, she felt like she never had much to say. Then when they moved, it felt like she had too much to say. The words boiled up inside her and burst out at the worst moments. Then she met Felix and Mia and now she figures she just didn't have the right people to talk to.</p><p> </p><p>In a moment of comfortable silence, Mia stands up abruptly and grabs her hand. Pilar suddenly becomes more aware of the blood buzzing through her body, rushing through her heart and reaching her face. Mia doesn't seem to notice the heartbeat that seems to bleed into her fingertips as she pulls her up from her sitting position.</p><p> </p><p>"I think you'll like this." She has a small grin, but it lights up her face in a way Pilar hasn't seen in a while. So of course Pilar follows as Mia pulls her down a rocky path to the waterfall. As they descend, she begins to explain the impromptu walk.</p><p> </p><p>"When you get down there, the water is so loud that you can barely hear anything else. I like to come here when I'm in my head too much or if life is just too overwhelming. It's very good at drowning out your thoughts and when I'm especially frustrated, it also makes a good place to let it all out." Pilar doesn't know how Mia is able to get her so well in the short time they've known each other. Any questioning on her part however becomes drowned out by the sound of rushing water.</p><p> </p><p>"Here, I'll start!" Mia shouts as they reach the bank of the waterfall, since that's the only way they can hear each other now. She tries to brace herself for whatever Mia's about to do, but still doesn't expect the uninhibited scream she releases.</p><p> </p><p>"AHHHHHHHHH!" Mia puts all her energy into it, clenching her arms into her chest and bending her knees slightly from the weight of it. She has always seemed so put together that Pilar realizes that she enjoys seeing her like this. She thinks of how hard it must be for her to try and keep it in all the time. But when she's done, she's smiling a real smile with teeth and everything and Pilar knows she has to try this for herself.</p><p> </p><p>"AHHHHHHHHH!" Pilar screams in reply. As she screams, she looks around at the nature around her, surprised to find it seemingly unbothered by such a brutal interruption. It must either be used to such occurrences or the rush of the waterfall may lessen the severity of their screams. Either way, she could definitely get used to this.</p><p> </p><p>"There you go, you're a natural."</p><p> </p><p>"I like to think of myself as a scream expert."</p><p> </p><p>Mia lets out a bark at that, her eyes crinkling as she does. Pilar smiles back at her, glad that she has made her laugh. She thinks for a moment before setting her eyes on the small rocks below her. Then, she looks out beyond Mia at the river that continues to flow behind her. She crouches to get a better look as she sets out to find the perfect skipping stone.</p><p> </p><p>"What are you doing?" Mia asks, not with judgment, just curiosity.</p><p> </p><p>"Looking for a rock that will skip." She replies simply, her eyes never stopping her search. She figures, since Mia is sharing a tradition of hers with her, she could share one too.</p><p> </p><p>"Isn't the water too choppy?"</p><p> </p><p>"Not down there" Pilar responds quickly, pointing over Mia's shoulder at the part of the river that she was inspecting before.</p><p> </p><p>"You've put a lot of thought into this."</p><p> </p><p>Pilar turns to her and furrows her eyebrows. She schools her face into the most blank expression she can muster and states matter-of-factly "Skipping stones is very serious business."</p><p> </p><p>She blows her cover when Mia laughs, caught by surprise. Pilar laughs too but then scrunches up her face with an unnerving realization. "God, I'm turning into Felix!"</p><p> </p><p>This causes Mia to dissolve in a fit of laughter. She nods and clutches her sides to try to contain it but it spills out of her like the light waves in front of them. "What are you talking about? Of course skipping stones is serious business, it was silly of me to think otherwise." Mia matches Pilar's previous tone in her reply.</p><p> </p><p>Pilar continues on with her search until she finds a couple of rocks next to each other that look like they'll do the trick. Mia and Pilar begin to walk along the edge of the water towards a quieter strip of the river when Pilar decides she should explain her interest in stone skipping.</p><p> </p><p>"Every summer, my family would stuff our car with nearly everything we owned and go 'camping'" She begins, her fingers forming air quotes at the word "camping". "We didn't use tents or anything so it wasn't really camping . My mom and I would both die if we didn't have access to electricity or a hot shower. My dad and my mom would save all year so that we could stay in this musty two-bedroom cabin for a week that still had a box tv and looked like something out of Little House on the Prairie."</p><p> </p><p>"Anyways, the cabin was on a lake and when we had finally unpacked and settled in, we would all head down to the water and have a stone skipping competition. We would do it until Adrian got frustrated because he could never figure out how to do it, even when our parents would keep showing him." She laughs picturing the moments when Adrian would get so fed up, he'd just slam the rock into the water with a plunk and they'd watch it sink to the bottom. She decides to carefully omit the fact that she would also sometimes struggle at throwing the rocks correctly.</p><p> </p><p>"In those moments, we were happy." Pilar ponders. The words sound so disbelieving to her even though she's the one uttering them. She remembers dreading the trip every year because the cabin had the worst cell reception and she would always complain about being trapped with her lame-ass family. So it seems kind of hard to believe that they were her family's happiest moments. But with everything going on now, she realizes they really were.</p><p> </p><p>Once they reach their destination, Pilar hands Mia one of the rocks in her hand. "Okay, now we have to do it at the same time! On three! One...two..."</p><p> </p><p>They flick their wrists and the rocks sail through the air before bouncing on the almost still water. Pilar's only jumps once before plopping into the water, but they both count as Mia's hops four times before inevitably sinking.</p><p> </p><p>"What?! How did you do that?"</p><p> </p><p>"I've also had some practice skipping stones."</p><p> </p><p>"I wouldn't have challenged you to a stone skipping competition if I knew you were secretly good at it!"</p><p> </p><p>"Ahh... well then I wouldn't have won..." Mia teases.</p><p> </p><p>They decide to look for more stones. Both of them complete their hunt in silence, focused on finding the perfect rock and defeating their competitor. They have made an unspoken agreement to continue their competition until Pilar's stone plops into the water without skipping for the third time in a row.</p><p> </p><p>"Here, let me help." Mia walks over to stand on Pilar's right. Pilar remembers the times when Victor would offer the same thing and she'd roll her eyes and shrug him off when he tried to help. Mia, however, eases into helping her in a way that somehow makes it feel less patronizing and Pilar can't find it in her to say no to her. She still stiffens a little when Mia lightly guides her wrist and accidently brushes her fingertips against the back of her hand. Her presence makes Pilar feel this soothing warmth, one that surrounds her without suffocating her. It's like she can feel Mia giving her some of her light.</p><p> </p><p>Once she practices how she should flick her wrist, but still with Mia's guidance, she lets go of the rock this time. She watches the rock bounce, one, two, three times from their combined energy. Mia's bright smile returns at full force.</p><p> </p><p>"Look, you did it!" She literally jumps in the air as she cheers. And even though they are further apart now, Pilar can still feel that soothing warmth she felt a moment ago as it pleasantly pulses through her system. It feels so against her nature, she has never thought that she belongs in a world of content happiness instead of rage, peace instead of anarchy.</p><p> </p><p>"I wouldn't say that" Pilar dismisses "You were still guiding my hand." She fishes for an excuse to go back to the harsh truths of life that she was used to. But what Pilar really wants, is for someone to tell her she belongs in that world too.</p><p> </p><p>"Nah, that was all you"</p><p> </p><p>And that's all it takes.</p><p> </p><p>Pilar keeps thinking about their day as she sits at the dinner table that night. The now normal silence as they eat leaves her room to recall that today was the first time she had really had fun in a while. She watches as her mother looks up and opens her mouth to say something only to close it and focus back on her food just as quickly. She can't believe it, but she misses when her mother would constantly ask about their days and her father would share funny stories about what happened at work that day. When Adrian says "This pasta's really good" with such fake enthusiasm, she knows he misses it too. She's never seen her family so divided. They're waging their own wars both in their heads and throughout the day. They are all way too in over their heads with their own battles to notice the others are drowning too. She curses herself for believing such a cliché saying as "Family always sticks together."</p><p> </p><p>She watches as her dad and Victor nod absent-mindedly in agreement to Adrian's statement, without looking up from their plates. She never really noticed how her brother used to jump in and save moments like this, until he gave up in utter defeat. Now, she misses it and wishes he would do anything but look guilty and sad whenever they ate together. She wishes he would tell some story about his day that made everyone laugh so hard that the milk Adrian was drinking would shoot out of his nose in the process. But instead she watches as her mother gives a quiet "Thank you" and ruffles her little brother's hair before they all return to staring at their plates once again.</p><p> </p><p>But with the clinks of the metal forks against glass dishes being the only sounds in their apartment, she finally has time to really think and that's what she's been avoiding. The memories from today and as far back as their first few days in Atlanta flash through her mind in quick succession. She feels like her body is full of static electricity as she sees little things like sympathetic words, the rushing of the waterfall, and soft hands delicately holding a dollar bill. She thinks of the way Mia has a habit of tucking her hair behind her ear and the way she bounces her head side to side when she listens to music. The memories fill her up with feelings she's not used to. She felt drops of it with Eric, like that day they were at the park. But it never filled her up and made her feel so whole. Despite the energy buzzing under her skin, it makes her feel an unnerving calm. She thinks that's probably what makes it worse.</p><p> </p><p>Because all of this brings her to the conclusion that she has a crush on Mia Brooks. And that, should make her feel anything bit calm. The whole thing is kinda bizarre because she's her brother's ex-girlfriend. This is certainly the last thing her family needs and she definitely is afraid of the possibility that she'll lose Mia too. But for now she welcomes the strength the feeling gives her and tries to understand it the best she can.</p><p> </p><p>This leads to her returning to full blown panic mode once Monday rolls around. Now that they're back at school for the week, Pilar's back to casually stalking Mia as she hovers at her locker once again. But now, she doesn't have the excuse of returning her heels and she's a lot more nervous about possibly getting caught. So she instead mindlessly walks over to the art department like the total creep she is. She's kind of surprising herself in the way she's so easily submitting to her crush on Mia, leaving no room for her to try and deny it.</p><p> </p><p>Without a second thought, she sneaks into one of the studios, hoping that a teacher isn't already in there preparing for class. She's not really sure what she is looking for. She looks around at all of the half-decent portraits and landscapes that look like they were made by watching a video of Bob Ross, but none of it particularly catches her eye. Until she finds one sculpture towards the back of the room.</p><p> </p><p>Pilar never realized a sculpture could be so vibrant. She could see the contrast between the bright colors painted on the metal and the dark shadows left by the ceiling lights and the nearby window. More light is captured in the shards of glass that seem to blend seamlessly into the rest of the sculpture. For bars of metal, it seems almost alive: their bends and twists resembling human motion. She could feel the frustration and love that went into it. The gloves, crème brûlée torch and wrench that are scattered around the base and surrounding tabletops are also evidence of that. There is a notecard, folded in half, sitting on the ground next to it. Curious, she picks it up and reads what is written on it in swirly but simple handwriting.</p><p> </p><p>Untitled by Mia Brooks</p><p>Inspired by the works of Gertrude Barnstone</p><p> </p><p>She takes in the sculpture more. She walks around it so that she can view it from every possible angle, see every unique way the light reflects off of it. Then, because she knows that someone could walk in at any moment, she leaves. But before she goes, she takes a picture of it, positioned just so she can capture a resulting shadow that reminds her of the ripples of a river.</p><p> </p><p>The next couple months are probably the most torturous Pilar has ever experienced in her almost fifteen years on this earth. It's full of aborted hand gestures, awkward laughter, and burning cheeks. They hang out more often, which is both the best and worst thing to ever happen to her because it makes her high concentrations of awkwardness so much more obvious. Pilar wishes she could just get used to the soft touches and bright smiles. She's really hoping she does at some point. This would be much easier if she didn't jump every time Mia's fingers brush her skin and if she didn't have to watch the corners of Mia's mouth turn downwards in hurt, in response, as she pulls her hand back. This, plus the daily family dinners that continue to be surrounded in silence, make it really feel like the world is out to get her.</p><p> </p><p>At least she still has Mia. But she can't guarantee that that will still be the case if she tells her how she feels. That's why she doesn't, for now. But in her anxiousness, Pilar doesn't see how Mia bounces her leg as she waits by her locker for Pilar to greet her every morning or how she plays with the straps of her backpack when she suggests they hang out later. When Pilar finds herself staring at Mia from across the cafeteria and they make eye contact, she can't see the flush in Mia's cheeks as she tries to focus on whatever Lake is passionately ranting about. She doesn't see the blush develop deeper when Lake calls her out for not listening, asking what on earth could be holding her attention so much, and Mia tries to shrug her off.</p><p> </p><p>Because she thinks she's meant to be alone and every little connection she feels with Mia is just Pilar trying to convince herself she's not. Even though the world is screaming at her that she is alone, that she doesn't belong, Pilar can't help but just listen to Mia, who keeps proving to her that she isn't and that she does.</p><p> </p><p>One day, when the skies start to clear from the gray they tend to get stuck in from the constant but soothing showers of April and May, Mia asks Pilar if she wants to go for a picnic with her. There are still clouds in the sky but they are fluffy and light, set on a blissful cerulean canvas. For the first time in forever, the sun can be spotted peeking out from behind them. These conditions make for a great day for a picnic, so Pilar agrees easily, even if picnics aren't usually her type of thing.</p><p> </p><p>So they set out to the park and Pilar can't help but think of that day with Eric nearly two years ago. The memory is now tainted from their fallout and she knows she should just forget it, but it continues to weigh on her mind. The only thing that seems to help is Mia's chitter-chatter as she fumbles with setting up their blanket. She has found a spot away from the children playing on the swings and the teenagers doing tricks with their skateboards, in a lively clearing. The vibrant grass was speckled with buttercups, daffodils and dandelions. After they set up the blanket, Mia plops the picnic basket on one of the corners and her shoes on the opposite end, to hold it in place.</p><p> </p><p>Mia lightly snatches a dandelion from the ground and holds it out to her. "Make a wish."</p><p> </p><p>Pilar slowly takes it from her hands with a questioning look, but watches as Mia waits in anticipation for her to blow it and so she begrudgingly complies. She decides to put in the effort and actually contemplate her wish, not just doing so to please Mia. Again, she thinks of that day with Eric. She thinks of what she tells herself she could never have. And, for once, she thinks beyond that and pictures what she truly wants. She thinks of who she tells herself she is and who she wants to be. Then, she softly blows on the dandelions and makes her wish.</p><p> </p><p>The fuzzy puff of the dandelion stays put, only just barely swaying like it was caught in a light breeze. Pilar's shoulders sag as she sighs in defeat. Mia laughs at her expression, which only makes the frown on her face deepen along with the creases in her forehead.</p><p> </p><p>"They can be pretty stuck on there sometimes." Mia moves over to stand closer to her "Let's do it together." Mia holds her hand out to count "One, two, three!"</p><p> </p><p>They both blow as hard as they can, their faces scrunched up in the most unattractive way possible, spit escaping their mouths as they blow as hard as they can. But this time, it does the trick and they watch together as the feathery fibers fly away and slowly disappear. When they are all gone, Mia and Pilar turn and look at each other for a moment, small smiles painted on their faces. It only lasts for a couple seconds until they both break the eye contact, Pilar mindlessly brushing her shoe through the grass and Mia playing with her hair.</p><p> </p><p>"I think we need some picnic music." Mia states abruptly and plops down on the blanket. Pilar doesn't ask her to elaborate on what exactly "picnic music" is.</p><p> </p><p>Slow guitar fills the air when Mia presses play on her Apple Music playlist and the soft music somehow feels suffocating in their wide expanse of fresh air. She sits down next to Mia on the blanket. When she looks over at the way Mia sways her head back and forth to it, the feeling of suffocation falls away and she feels the calm that she thinks she's supposed to feel. Mia lies down on the blanket and Pilar follows suit.</p><p> </p><p>They sit there for a while, bobbing their heads and tapping their feet to the music. Pilar is mostly focused on how beautiful Mia looks as she's mouthing the words to the songs she knows, humming along to the ones she doesn't. The sun shimmers on her face and her smile is back in full force. Her eyes are shining in a way she hasn't seen in a while, the almost dead look they usually hold now gone. She pinches the fabric of her long-sleeve t-shirt between each of her fingers and hopes she can get through today without expelling her thoughts, spilling them out onto the pink-and-white-checkered blanket and staining their beautiful day.</p><p> </p><p>Pilar finally recognizes one of the songs when 1950 by King Princess begins to play and suddenly everything seems to connect in her mind. Her doubt is replaced with spontaneity and, for once, her mind is silenced as she feels pure joy for the first time in a while. All this time, she hasn't acted on her feelings because she's assumed that Mia wasn't interested. But now, Pilar finally lets herself feel hope. It's a strange feeling, but she thinks she likes it.</p><p> </p><p>And in all this hope and spontaneity, she cups Mia's face between her hands and kisses her softly. She feels Mia tense under her for only a moment before she relaxes into it. It's a sweet and simple kiss that ends way too soon for both of them.</p><p> </p><p>Mia tilts her head at her. "Why did you do that?"</p><p> </p><p>"Because I felt like it."</p><p> </p><p>"Okay" Mia's smile returns and this time it's Mia who kisses her.</p><p> </p><p>They sit in silence as they feel the air change around them.</p><p> </p><p>"I don't do romance." Mia frowns slightly and Pilar wishes she could take it back.</p><p> </p><p>"Why not?"</p><p> </p><p>Pilar searches for the right words, trying to figure out how to explain her views on the world and on relationships. She goes for something simple, even if it doesn't fully encapsulate how she feels. "It scares me."</p><p> </p><p>"Sometimes the best things in life are scary, but they are worth it. You can't live your life in fear because then you'll wind up missing out on them."</p><p> </p><p>They sit in the weight of Mia's words for a little bit as Pilar soaks them in and tries to store them in her heart and mind for when she needs them. Mia shifts her legs around on the blanket, changing her sitting position a couple times over before she speaks.</p><p> </p><p>"Maybe we could have our lunch, are you hungry?"</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah I could eat." Pilar lies. Truthfully, she doesn't know how food will mix with the twisting and twirling in her stomach. She thinks Mia feels the same thing, because she is fiddling with Pilar's fingers instead of her hair or her backpack straps. Pilar thought she'd stop feeling that vibrating of energy whenever Mia touched her, now that she reciprocates her feelings, but she was clearly wrong.</p><p> </p><p>Mia drops Pilar's hand, much to her disdain, and starts messing with the picnic basket. Pilar watches as she pulls container after container out of the basket and gently places them onto the blanket. Mia bites her lip in concentration as she holds them above her head and peers into them to view their contents. As she quietly shuffles through them, Pilar watches and thinks about how unbelievably adorable it all is.</p><p> </p><p>"Is our entire school coming to this picnic? Because I would have appreciated the heads up." Pilar snarks jokingly, but there is a small smile after her words that undermines her fake annoyance.</p><p> </p><p>Mia huffs out a laugh. "Geez, I try to do a thing for the girl I like and this is the thanks I get." But she's smiling too and this has to honestly be the best day of Pilar's life.</p><p> </p><p>"Oof...you have a crush on me? That's so embarrassing for you..."</p><p> </p><p>"Pilar, you literally kissed me two seconds ago."</p><p> </p><p>"Okay, maybe I like you too." She admits and now Mia is looking at her with such softness, like Pilar is one of the delicate things she treasures. It's almost too much that she would look away if she wasn't trying to savor this moment. If she wasn't trying to store it in her mind for when the world decided to come crashing down on them again. So it's Mia who looks away and Pilar wonders if she gets overwhelmed with it all too.</p><p> </p><p>"Some of this is just snacks..." Mia focuses back on the containers that are now scattered across the blanket, trying to justify the amount that lie before them. She grabs a container that Pilar now notices is full of Goldfish and shakes it to prove her point. "But for lunch I made cucumber and cream cheese sandwiches and-"</p><p> </p><p>Pilar crinkles her nose in disgust. Mia notices and tries to explain " I know, I know, it sounds gross, but it's actually pretty good!" Mia pauses and her voice gets a little softer as she continues "When I was younger, my mom and I would come out here every once and a while and she'd bring a Thermos of tea" Mia gestures to the Thermos that still lies in the picnic basket "and we'd have a tea party. She'd even make us little sandwiches, like the ones that would be at an actually afternoon tea, with the crusts cut off and everything. Our favorites were the ones filled with cucumber and cream cheese. We loved them so much that we'd eat them at other times with my dad and every time he would laugh and shake his head, saying he never understood what was so good about a cucumber and cream cheese sandwich." Mia sighs, her eyes were focused somewhere far off, clearly caught up in the memory. She shakes her head a little as if to clear herself from it, as if an attempt to free herself from its grasp on her. "Anyways, you should really try it. You might end up liking it after all."</p><p> </p><p>"But if you don't, I also made some sausage rolls. It's basically sausage or beef and some other things wrapped in puff pastry. They are also really good. Recently, I was watching one of the holiday episodes of The Great British Bake Off and they made them in the shape of a wreath, which I thought was really cute. I wanted to make the recipe they used, but that one had black pudding, which is absolutely disgusting, so I found another recipe and made those." Mia took a deep breath. "Sorry, I tend to ramble a lot when I'm nervous."</p><p> </p><p>"Why are you nervous? Also why were you watching a holiday show in the middle of June?"</p><p> </p><p>"I like to watch holiday-themed shows and movies when I'm sad. A lot of them are filled with such color and happiness that it helps me feel better. I was just thinking too much about the past year, that’s all." Mia explains "But to answer your other question, being around such a pretty girl who likes me back, has me thinking too much for my own good."</p><p> </p><p>"You think I'm pretty?" Pilar whispers in astonishment. Mia looks down, blushes and nods slightly. Pilar asks softly "What are you thinking 'too much' about?"</p><p> </p><p>"A lot of things." Mia starts "Like what's gonna happen from here...if this is even real." Mia emphasizes the last part and sits in the weight of it for a moment. "How long this could last and how much I really want it to. Who we're gonna tell, what we're gonna say...especially to your brother! God!" Mia recounts and puts her head in her right hand, her elbow digging into her knee.</p><p> </p><p>"Whatever you decide" Pilar thinks and corrects herself "Whatever WE decide, to all of that" Pilar answers, circling her hand around in the air. "There isn't much in life we can control, but we will decide whatever we are able to...together. It might be scary but this is worth it. You are worth it." Pilar steals and remixes Mia's words from earlier. She reaches for her hand to prove her point. "Also, yes this is definitely real. Now, let's eat this food, I'm ready for you to prove me wrong about these sandwiches."</p><p> </p><p>Mia smiles and Pilar almost pulls her hand away from Mia's to reach over and grab a container, but Mia squeezes it and holds on a little tighter as she gets the container instead. She struggles trying to open the Tupperware with one hand, while Pilar rolls her eyes and watches, amused. Mia steadies the container by holding it with her knees and is finally able to open it, but by now Pilar is just outright laughing at her frustration and concentration. Mia lets out a little huff and Pilar laughs even harder.</p><p> </p><p>Mia decides the best way to shut her up is to shove a cucumber sandwich in her mouth, so she does exactly that. Pilar's eyes go comically wide when she does, almost choking on the sandwich and now it's Mia's turn to succumb to a fit of giggles. After the initial shock, Pilar pauses and chews the sandwich contemplatively, bobbing her head back and forth in consideration. She swallows and thinks for a moment, before settling on "Not bad."</p><p> </p><p>Mia's smile widens significantly at that. "Such high praise from Pilar Salazar." She jokes, but doesn’t miss how Pilar grabs a second sandwich as they continue to talk, silently taking the win.</p><p> </p><p>After they have eaten the sandwiches and sausage rolls, which also have received the Pilar Salazar Seal of Approval, Pilar leads them over to the swing set she'd noticed when they had arrived. They run over, Mia pointing out that it's not a good idea to run after having just eaten, but Pilar pulls her anyways. Once they get settled on the swings, after a couple questioning looks from some parents and children, they both pant in exhaustion, grabbing the chains of the swing set with their free hands for stability.</p><p> </p><p>"What you should be worried about is everyone finding out you're a secret softie, once everyone finds out about us" Mia jokes.</p><p> </p><p>"What?!" Pilar exclaims "I am not a softie" She sneers, rolling the world around in her mouth in disgust.</p><p> </p><p>"Sure, you aren't." Mia remains entirely unconvinced.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm not!' She decides to use the element of surprise and quickly lets go of both the chain of the swing set and Mia's hand before tickling her. She knows it will work, it always does on Adrian, so she's not surprised when Mia instinctively flinches before grabbing her sides and letting out involuntary giggles. "Take it back!"</p><p> </p><p>"Never!" Mia shouts defiantly, so Pilar continues to tickle her until Mia relents "Fine, you aren't a softie, you are heartless, okay?"</p><p> </p><p>"Yes" She replies smugly and retracts her hands. Then she decides to lean in for another kiss, raising her hand to just barely touch Mia's cheek. Mia's eyes light up in delight, then she quickly closes the already small distance between them and Pilar can't really see herself doing anything else after that. The distressed music she uses to stew in her loneliness is no match to her brain screaming at her how right this feels.</p><p> </p><p>Pilar: Atlanta, Georgia + Graham, Texas – 2020</p><p> </p><p>It's eight o'clock on a Friday night and Pilar is sitting on the couch in her living room. Her parents are out having dinner, her little brother is at a sleepover, and Mia is busy tonight with Lake. She's about to turn on the TV when Victor unexpectedly plops down beside her. It startles her, but she doesn't turn her head, continuing to stare blankly at the dark screen ahead of her.</p><p> </p><p>She waits a moment before she speaks. "I forgive you." She still doesn't take her eyes away from the screen.</p><p> </p><p>Victor's surprise is evident as he whips his head to look at Pilar. His mouth is slightly open and his eyes widen in shock before he questions hesitantly "You do?"</p><p> </p><p>"You didn't want to lose anyone." Pilar continues "You didn't want to lose anyone and you didn't want to hurt anyone. I was so scared that I'd lose everyone, so I would push them away, so at least if they left, I knew it was coming. You were so scared to lose everyone that you did the opposite. You did everything in your power to pull them closer to you and lessen their burdens. But you also did it because you are a good person. And I'm not, but now I'm trying to be and I know you are trying too."</p><p> </p><p>She finally turns to him and finds small tears building in his eyes, matching the ones beginning to form in hers. His jaw is clenched, which makes Pilar wonder if he was somehow angry about what she said. Her questions are answered when he fiercely pulls her into a hug, quickly jerking his body towards her as he wraps his arms around her. Sometimes she forgets most of what happened to her this year also happened to him. So instead of shoving him away like she would have any other time, she awkwardly passes her hand back and forth on his back, in an attempt to mimic the soothing way their mom used to rub their back whenever they had nightmares. She doesn't know when he went from her partner-in-crime to almost a third parent, but she misses the days they'd perform shows for their parents together and when he used to hold her hand as they walked into school together.</p><p> </p><p>When they break apart, Victor makes sure he's holding eye contact with her when he says "You're right. You aren't a good person...you're an amazing person." He tells her sincerely and now Pilar has had enough of this heart-to-heart mushy business.</p><p> </p><p>"Ew" She replies simply before lightly shoving him into the corner of the couch. But he knows her, so he doesn't get offended, he simply laughs as he shoves her back.</p><p> </p><p>"Okay, I am not going to just sit here all night looking at a blank screen, so what are we watching?" She turns on the TV. Even though she phrases it like a question, they both know she's just gonna put on whatever she wants to watch anyways. She scrolls through Netflix, before clicking on a show that Victor had been trying to convince her to watch for weeks after they had just moved to Atlanta. Neither of them mention it, but Pilar can see the glimmer of gratitude in his eyes and the ghost of a smile still present on his face.</p><p> </p><p>This interaction makes her wonder what has happened to her. For the past couple of months, all she could hear was chants bouncing around in her skull about how wrong everything was. How wrong it was for Eric to break up with her, how wrong it was for Victor to cheat on Mia, how wrong it was for her mother to have an affair. And they were right, those things were wrong, but somewhere along the way she gained a better sense of empathy. She has learned to see beyond the hurt they had caused her.</p><p> </p><p>She remembers a day when her and Mia were sitting under an old oak tree in the park, when Mia told her that she has no other choice but to believe that people aren't fully aware of the pain their decisions cause or she'd live everyday feeling like she is continuously being wounded by thousands of intentionally inflicted paper cuts. That each cut hurts twice as much if you think about the effort that could've been put into it. Mia told her she doesn't want to hold that kind of pain anymore and Pilar slowly decided she doesn't want to either.</p><p> </p><p>It's made her think more about what she does want, separate from any voice trying to answer that for her. She never thought she wanted romance, but she remembers the happiness that spilled out of her into the rosiness of her cheeks and a more prominent spring in her step when Mia had gotten her tickets to a Billie Eilish concert for their one-month anniversary. However, the idea of something like getting chocolates on Valentine's Day still makes her a little uneasy. So she may have no idea what exactly she likes, but she's learning to be more open-minded about it.</p><p> </p><p>Two weeks later, at five am, on an already hot August day, Pilar gets dropped off at Mia's house. She knows Mia isn't ready yet, so she lugs her duffle bag and backpack over to Mia's white Rubicon and leans against the passenger side door, her arms loosely crossed over her chest.</p><p> </p><p>She's there for another ten minutes before Mia stumbles out of her house, giving a quick kiss to her dad and a sluggish side hug to Veronica. She rubs her eyes tiredly as she makes her way over to Pilar, wearing a long flowing sundress and a floppy hat. Pilar and Veronica exchange awkward waves before Mia reaches her, and Veronica and Mia's dad retreat back into their house.</p><p> </p><p>Mia takes a quick look behind her to make sure they aren't watching from the window or some other creepy activity, before lightly getting up on her tippy toes to give Pilar a soft peck, wrapping her arms around Pilar's neck and lacing her hands together. Pilar easily rests her hands on her girlfriend's hips, holding her in place as Mia leans their foreheads together for just a moment before she gives her another quick kiss before Mia sighs and Pilar lets go.</p><p> </p><p>"We really need to head out now if we want to get there on time." Pilar tells her reluctantly.</p><p> </p><p>"No we don't" Mia dismisses.</p><p> </p><p>"No we don't" Pilar easily agrees.</p><p> </p><p>She leans in for another kiss, but is interrupted by the chirp of her phone. She opens it to find a new message from Victor:</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Stop kissing Mia and start driving or you'll be late for the family barbeque tomorrow</em>
</p><p> </p><p>She lets out a huff, both at getting called out and for being interrupted, then types out her reply:</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>How did you know that's what I was doing</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Mia watches her curiously, once again getting on her tippy toes, lacing her hands together behind her back, and leaning over to see the all-important text message that felt like it had the right to interrupt them. Victor's reply is quick and as soon as she reads it, Pilar rolls her eyes before tilting her phone to show Mia.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Personal Experience.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>"Is he talking about when he and I were dating, or about him and Benji?"</p><p> </p><p>"God! I was perfectly happy forgetting that you used to date my brother! Thanks!" But she relays the question onto Victor and gets:</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Both *winky face*</em>
</p><p> </p><p>"Gross!" Pilar exclaims, sending back the throw-up emoji "Now the moment is definitely ruined, so let's just start driving." She walks around to the back of the car and throws in her duffel and her backpack before climbing into the passenger seat.</p><p> </p><p>"Nothing could ruin the moment, Pilar." Mia states as she joins her in the driver's seat.</p><p> </p><p>"Nothing?" Pilar questions "Not even say...images of your brother kissing your girlfriend." She continues jokingly "Like, imagine if I had dated Joey before dating you."</p><p> </p><p>"Joey hasn't even been born yet!" Joey, being the name Veronica and Mia's dad had decided on for the baby boy they were expecting in a couple months.</p><p> </p><p>"It's not my fault you don't have any other siblings!" Pilar defends. And before they know it, they are both struggling and failing to hold in their laughter as they pull out of the driveway.</p><p> </p><p>The sun cascades through the open top of Mia's Jeep as Pilar fiddles with Mia's Waze app, which she had already programmed with her own voice commands a couple weeks ago. The sunny August day saturates and seeps into their skin, giving them no choice but to be in a good mood.</p><p> </p><p>Mia's grin is even more blinding, now an often occurrence, but it still makes Pilar more aware of the currents of energy bouncing under her skin and through her stomach. "You ready to go?"</p><p> </p><p>This time Pilar responds with her own wide grin, something she never would have done a couple months ago. Pilar's hair is in a messy bun on top of her head so the wind begins to graze the back of her neck and her shoulders, becoming more and more forceful, but still pleasant as the car picks up speed. The fingers of Mia's right hand are lightly tapping on her thigh, so Pilar reaches over and gently grasps her hand, which causes Mia to look over at her. She holds her gaze for as long as possible before returning her eyes to the road so that they don't crash the car two whole minutes into their road trip.</p><p> </p><p>With her free hand, Pilar once again fiddles with Mia's phone, this time in an attempt to put on some music. However, she stops when she opens Apple Music to a playlist simply entitled "pilar &lt;3". In it are all the songs Pilar has ever mentioned that she liked, the entirety of Billie Eilish's discography and 1950 by King Princess. Sometimes she wonders how she got so lucky as to be dating Mia Brooks. This is certainly one of those moments. She taps the shuffle button and places the phone back in its mount.</p><p> </p><p>"Ahh I see you found the playlist." She states and Pilar can see a glint of mischief in her eyes.</p><p> </p><p>"That I did" Is all she can say, still in awe that someone, especially Mia, would make a playlist of all of her favorite songs. Mia knows how Pilar can sometimes be overwhelmed by such heartfelt gestures, so she gives her hand a light squeeze.</p><p> </p><p>Eleven hours later, when they pass a big green sign that says "Welcome to Houston", Mia narrows her eyes in confusion and slowly turns toward Pilar.</p><p> </p><p>"Isn't Graham near Dallas?"</p><p> </p><p>"Yep"</p><p> </p><p>"Then why are we in Houston?" She questions " I may not know much about Texas, but I know that Dallas and Houston are nowhere near each other."</p><p> </p><p>"It's a surprise."</p><p> </p><p>They drive for a bit longer and as they get closer to their destination, Pilar shouts "Wait! Slow down!"</p><p> </p><p>Mia looks over to her phone, where the destination is now displayed at the top of the screen. It's just a regular street address: 2106 Persia Street, Houston, Texas. Mia gives Pilar a questioning and skeptical look, before she notices a house with a beautiful metal sculpture in front of it. She silently pulls over to the side of the road.</p><p> </p><p>"It was made by-" And that's when Mia realizes.</p><p> </p><p>"Gertrude Barnstone!" Mia finishes in complete shock. She excitedly leaps out and around the car to get a better look.</p><p> </p><p>"Yep! And after this we are going to an art studio for a night class, that also has another work of hers."</p><p> </p><p>Mia moves around trying to view the work from different angles for a little bit, before she turns to Pilar and begins to study her face as well. This makes Pilar a little uncomfortable, so she looks down at the pavement and continues to explain.</p><p> </p><p>"I got us an AirBnB...with two separate rooms, don't worry I wouldn't pressure you into anything like that! Trust me both of our parents were very adamant that wherever we stayed had two rooms!"</p><p> </p><p>"Pilar! This is so...romantic!" Mia jumps into a surprised Pilar's arms, swaying them side to side a little bit. She plants a couple of feather-light kisses against her cheek and temple, before settling in her arms for a moment.</p><p> </p><p>So there actually is no 'Salazar Family Water Fight'" Pilar admits, referring to the fake family tradition she had made up, so Mia wouldn't get too suspicious "I just told you that so you would pack an extra set of clothes." She says it lightly, pleased that Mia was so thrilled by what, to Pilar, was such a grand romantic gesture. She had been pretty nervous about Mia's reaction, since she knew this was so uncharacteristic of herself.</p><p> </p><p>Mia responds by humming and nodding her head, which she has rested in the crook of Pilar's neck. Pilar worries she said something wrong as they stand there, in the middle of the road, in silence for a couple minutes. When Mia finally pulls out of her embrace, there are traces of teardrops hanging from her eyelashes and Pilar definitely feels like she messed up big time.</p><p> </p><p>Mia wipes her eyes against the sleeves of her sweater, clutching the edge of the sleeve in her hand as she does. "I'm sorry it's just that-" And here it comes, the moment where Pilar's world crashes down and everything goes back to sucking. The nice feeling that has been resting in Pilar's stomach had lasted far too long. She's always figured that's how her life was supposed to be anyways. "No one has ever done something like this for me before." She finishes her sentence, but then sees Pilar's face and adds. "Pilar, I love you. So much." She puts so much emphasis and gravity on the last two words that she has no choice but to believe it.</p><p> </p><p>And with that, she feels safe, like maybe the world won't come crashing down at her feet, and if it does, that Mia would probably be there to help her up from the rubble. No one has made her feel like that before either. So she takes another big step off the cliff she's been slowly falling from ever since she met Mia.</p><p> </p><p>"I love you too" It's soft and thick, but it easily slips off of her tongue. She has no regrets whatsoever, for once, as she revels in the way Mia's lips form back into the wide grin she had been wearing a lot earlier. Mia once again takes Pilar up in her arms, where she stays, until Pilar reluctantly reminds her that they have an art class to get to.</p><p> </p><p>The next day, they arrive at Pilar's grandparents' house just in time for lunch. The summer barbecue is in full swing, so of course both Mia and Pilar are wearing ankle-length sundresses with light sweaters on their shoulders, even if it's almost a hundred degrees out today. Being the polite person Mia is, she didn't complain when Pilar told her about the trip or even while they were getting dressed in their bedroom at the AirBnB. But Pilar sees the sweat pooling up on her hairline and the way she attempts to fan herself with her phone (which Pilar thinks is absolutely adorable), and makes a mental note to stick to the shady areas of the backyard.</p><p> </p><p>"Maybe you all should have that water fight" Mia mutters under her breath and Pilar barks out a laugh at that. Being around her extended family, especially with her girlfriend, is already making Pilar nervous, but Mia is always great at calming her nerves. Plus, Victor and Benji are here as well, which takes a bit of the pressure off and also makes her feel a little better.</p><p> </p><p>In that moment, Pilar decides to glance around for them. As she spots them under a tree in the furthest corner of the backyard, she figures Mia must have seen them too, because she is suddenly being pulled in that direction.</p><p> </p><p>"Hey guys" Mia greets, and Victor and Benji return the greeting casually. Pilar is still so glad that Mia and Victor have gone back to being friends again, since they are probably the two most important people in her life right now, especially with everything that has been going on with her parents. Mia once again brings up the non-existent 'Salazar Family Water Fight' and they are conversing animatedly about the potential rules and regulations when her grandmother approaches them.</p><p> </p><p>"Abuela Nati!" Pilar grinds out, her carefree smile replaced by a stiff small one. She's gotten good at sounding happy and cheerful when she is nervous or upset, for the sake of being polite, so she knows her grandmother can't tell the difference. But when Mia lightly brushes her hand against hers, she knows she can. She notices the way Victor's eyebrows raise in surprise and he turns around, rolling his shoulders to straighten his back. She had never noticed that he would shift in the same way she does when their relatives are around. She's been seeing a different side of him recently: who he really is, outside of the role he's played for so long. It's more like the Victor she used to know. She wonders if he's noticed more about her too, if sees her own weight on her shoulders.</p><p> </p><p>Her grandmother quickly pulls both her and her brother into her arms in quick succession. She then turns to Mia and she beams "Oh and you brought your girlfriend! It’s a pleasure to see you again, Mia!" Pilar eyes widen significantly in immense shock and confusion. But when she looks at her grandmother, she is now turned towards Victor and she comes to the realization that she is talking to him and not her. She can't believe she had temporarily forgotten that her brother and her girlfriend used to date, especially after yesterday morning's fiasco. Benji huffs out a laugh when he sees Pilar's face, trying to cover it up as best as he can. Pilar shoots a playful but still intimidating glare back, which makes Mia huff out a laugh of her own. Pilar shifts her glare to her girlfriend and Victor sends his own toward both Benji and Mia. By some miracle unknown to Pilar, her grandmother doesn't seem to notice.</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, uh" Victor clears his throat. "Abuela, Mia and I aren't dating anymore." He hurries to explain awkwardly. He opens his mouth again as if to elaborate, but it seems like he decides that it's probably better to leave it at that. He winces when their grandmother's face falls slightly and Pilar knows that this isn't easy for him. She wishes that this awkward ass conversation would just end already.</p><p> </p><p>"Oh? Why not?" Her grandmother keeps shifting her gaze between Mia and Victor in an almost accusing manner. While Pilar is so glad she isn't on the receiving end of what is soon to become a harsh interrogation, she doesn't want Mia to have to deal with it either. So she's about to jump in and say anything at this point to shift her attention, but Mia starts speaking before she can.</p><p> </p><p>"We just realized we were better off as friends" Mia answers and Pilar knows it sounds like a half-truth to everyone, including her grandmother. So she expects far more pressing questions from her grandmother and tries to prepare an excuse to get them out of there, but her grandmother surprises her.</p><p> </p><p>"I see." She states and leaves it at that. Maybe this is where her parents get their way of simply pretending everything is fine. The air is thick with moisture and hesitance. They all stand there for a moment in polite silence. Pilar notices how Mia shifts her weight back and forth from her left foot to her right and so on. She leans over and gives her shoulder a nudge, in hopes that Mia would somehow find it comforting. In return, a small smile flashes on Mia's face for just a second.</p><p> </p><p>The silence is broken when Benji leans forward, his lips formed in a thin grimace, and holds out his hand. "It's nice to see you again, Mrs. Salazar. I don't know if you remember me, but I was at Victor's birthday party." He raises his voice at the end of the last sentence, as if it's a question. He wipes his outstretched hand on his pants nervously before extending it once again. "I'm Benji, Victor's friend." Pilar can tell he is trying not to glance at Victor as he lies. She gets it and is planning on telling all of her relatives something similar when she introduces them to Mia, but she knows how much it hurts them both.</p><p> </p><p>"Oh I remember." Her grandmother mutters. Pilar thinks it's supposed to be under her breath, but it's obvious that they all heard what she said. Especially Victor, who clenches his jaw and his fist at his side.</p><p> </p><p>He abruptly jerks his head up from staring at the dying grass beneath them. There is such a fire beneath his eyes that Pilar is afraid of what he might say right now. Turns out her fear is actually justified, when he says evenly "Actually he is my boyfriend." The hand that was just balled into a fist at his side now reaches over to grab Benji's defiantly.</p><p> </p><p>"Mia's my girlfriend." Pilar blurts out messily and without much eloquence. She figures if her brother is throwing caution to the wind, she should too. She then thinks of how nervous they both were for this barbecue, the nights they both confessed to each other how much easier this would be if they could just be themselves. Maybe these weren't the built up outbursts they seemed to be. Maybe these were just calm realizations that they were ready to show themselves to the world, even if they're gonna be judged for it. They've always known what would happen if they did, that hasn't changed. But over the past six months, they certainly have.</p><p> </p><p>They quickly return to the silence they had just escaped. Pilar spots her cousin Flor, the only cousin in her family that she can actually stand and spontaneously pulls Mia over to where she's standing. She feels kind of bad for leaving Victor and Benji to fend for themselves with her grandmother. She decides that she'll make it up to them later.</p><p> </p><p>A couple hours later, her and Mia are standing under another tree by themselves over by the refreshments. Mia's in the middle of telling Pilar all about Ms. Thomas, who so happens to be Pilar's health teacher this year, and her on-and-off relationship with her boyfriend Omar. Pilar has to hold her hand curled up against her lips to keep herself from letting out the most ugly laugh imaginable, causing Mia to justifiably break up with her. She's saying something about some Rizzoli and Isles DVDs, when both of Pilar's parents approach them.</p><p> </p><p>"Hello Mr. and Mrs. Salazar, how are you both?" Mia asks sweetly. Her mom is standing there awkwardly, writhing her hands together periodically. Her dad has his hands clasped behind his back and a tiny grimace is etched onto his face. Pilar takes one look at her parents and braces herself for another not-so-fun conversation.</p><p> </p><p>"Hi Mia, do you mind if we talk to Pilar for a second?" That's when Pilar's eyes go a little wide. She sends a pleading look to Mia, but she is already backing away slowly toward the dessert table, where Adrian is perusing the options, even though he already has a full plate of sweets.</p><p> </p><p>"Betrayal" Pilar mutters as she watches Mia try to distract Adrian so she can take his plate without him noticing. Mia grabs a nearby foam sword and soon her and Adrian are dueling, the tower of treats easily forgotten. It reminds her of how her family used to be, what seems like so long ago, even if it's only been a year or so.</p><p> </p><p>She turns back to her parents and quickly steels her expression, hoping that she seems unfazed by whatever they are gonna throw at her. She crosses her arms over her chest defensively and waits.</p><p> </p><p>"Pilar, did you tell Abuela Nati that Mia was your girlfriend?" Her mother questions. Pilar wonders if she was trying to hide the way it sounded like an accusation.</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, Victor told her that Benji is his boyfriend and I figured why not tell her Mia is my girlfriend. So?" She bites back, still trying for nonchalance, but slowly failing as her anger at her parents grows and tears down her invisible barrier.</p><p> </p><p>"We're gonna talk to him too, we just found you first." Her father steps in, sticking his hand out to her, parallel to the ground. If Pilar knew any better, she would say it was supposed to be comforting. But she feels like he is treating her like some dangerous animal that needs to be talked down from its irrational anger. He sighs then continues, "You shouldn't have told her, neither of you."</p><p> </p><p>"Why not?" She challenges, then adds "If I want to introduce my grandmother to my girlfriend, that's my decision to make, not yours." She keeps her voice as level as possible in order to make her words as effective as possible.</p><p> </p><p>"We just want to protect you, honey" Her mother takes a deep breath. "We just wanted you to think it through first."</p><p> </p><p>"You think I haven't thought this through? You think that I haven't gone to bed going over all the different possibilities of what could happen if I told everyone here? You think I haven't worried that I'd never talk to some of them again if I did? You think Victor and I haven't sat together on my bed multiple times to discuss what we should do? You don't know what that's like, so don't pretend to understand what was going through my head when I told her! But some things are worth that fear and anxiety. And this certainly is. You don't know how much it has taken me to get to where I am today! I've had to unlearn so much of what I've been taught from you, from them, from this place..." She trails off a bit before she recenters herself "I'm proud of myself for that, and you should be too."</p><p> </p><p>"I should be proud that what-?!" Her father shouts back, cutting himself off mid-sentence. It's then that she notices some of her relatives are making a very hard effort not to stare at them. At least they make it look like they are trying not to. But Pilar doesn't care, she thinks it’s about time for her parents not to either. Mia, who is still playing with Adrian, keeps sending her concerned glances, while trying to make sure Adrian doesn't hear the argument that is currently taking place. "That my daughter speaks to me like this, so disrespectfully!" He finally fixes his stare beyond Pilar's eyes and also notices everyone looking at them. He curses under his breath then. "This is certainly not how we taught you to act."</p><p> </p><p>"Like you guys are so perfect. You have your own problems but instead of dealing with them, you take it out on us, especially Victor and I, just because we aren't the perfect children you've formed in your heads. We are people, just like you, we are human. And we deserve the honesty and respect that you demand from us. Did you even listen to what I said?" She pauses, calculating before she strikes.</p><p> </p><p>"You guys probably haven't told anyone here that you've separated." Their glances at the ground tell Pilar what she already knew. She then realizes that she has nothing more to say, so she turns away from her parents' affronted expressions and heads toward Adrian and Mia, grabbing a discarded Nerf gun off the ground on her way.</p><p> </p><p>Later that night, they are all crammed into her parents' hotel room, because Adrian insisted that they continue Saturday movie night, even though they aren't at home. Right now, he is trying to convince the crowd to watch Frozen for the billionth time this year, and while Benji and Mia seem on board, the Salazars are vehemently trying to shut it down.</p><p> </p><p>"What about Moana?" Mia suggests. They all look at each other and nod their heads to show they are on board with the idea. Pilar is about to tell Mia that there is no way of convincing Adrian to watch anything but Frozen, when he says:</p><p> </p><p>"YES! I love Moana!"</p><p> </p><p>"I remember you telling me that Adrian had a big Moana phase before he got into Frozen." Mia explains and Pilar's heart melts a little at that.</p><p> </p><p>It's then that her mother scoots her way toward her, squeezing past her father and her little brother to get to her. She braces herself for some lecture or punishment that she feels certainly could have waited until tomorrow or at least after the movie.</p><p> </p><p>"You were right" Is what she gets instead. Pilar has no words, so instead her mother keeps going. "You are growing up and we shouldn't have assumed that you hadn't thought it through. This is all so new to us and we just want to protect you. It scares us how people, who we call family, could react. Heck, how we reacted when you both told us still scares me. And I'm so so sorry that you have to go through that, my love. And I'm so sorry that we've accidentally taken some of our anger at each other out on you. You were right about that too, this family deserves better and we are going to work harder to fix the hurt that we may have caused." She plants a kiss on Pilar's forehead "And, above all, no matter what, you will always be 'Pilar, my star.'" Pilar leans into her mom's embrace for a moment before sitting back up.</p><p> </p><p>Pilar's face slowly breaks out into a grin as she turns to her mom. "What was that first sentence again?" She asks jokingly, holding her hand up to her ear "I didn't hear you." She leans in closer, as if to hear better.</p><p> </p><p>Her mother laughs, and for the first time since forever, it feels like they are back at the cabin, skipping stones on the lake. "You heard what I said."</p><p> </p><p>"Yep, I heard you say I was right. Twice." Her shit-eating grin is still firmly planted on her face. She holds up two fingers for emphasis.</p><p> </p><p>"Watch the movie." Her mom pretends to scold, given away by the side of her mouth curling upward slightly.</p><p> </p><p>She's about to comment that the movie technically hasn't started yet, but that's when Mia quickly and sneakily presses the play button then ditches the remote, hoping that she doesn't get caught. However, the wink from Mrs. Salazar and the glare coming from her girlfriend say otherwise.</p><p> </p><p>Soon though, Victor and Benji walk into the room with four gigantic bowls of popcorn and all is forgotten temporarily. Pilar starts inhaling the popcorn at lightning speeds, while Mia takes a couple pieces every now and then. When the bowl is almost empty, about fifteen minutes into the movie, Mia scolds her for barely leaving her any, and Pilar wordlessly gets up to make more.</p><p> </p><p>A couple minutes after she sits down, she hears whispers coming from in front of her, where Victor and Benji are currently sitting. This is soon followed by a quiet giggle coming from her brother. Pilar reaches into the bowl of freshly popped popcorn and throws a couple kernels at them. The kernels bounce off the tops of both of their heads and they turn around in utter shock.</p><p> </p><p>"Stop being gross, I'm trying to watch the movie." She berates.</p><p> </p><p>"We were literally just talking." Victor retorts as he throws an unpopped kernel at his sister.</p><p> </p><p>"Still gross."</p><p> </p><p>"Don't throw popcorn at my girlfriend." Mia chastises as she reaches into the bowl in Pilar's lap and throws a popped kernel at Victor.</p><p> </p><p>"Your girlfriend," Victor draws out pointedly "Was the one who started it." He finishes his point by throwing another unpopped kernel, this time at Mia.</p><p> </p><p>"Ow, at least we've been throwing the popped ones at you" She defends as she flinches away from the kernel that hits the side of her face. This is when Adrian's attention finally sways from the movie to the conversation that is currently taking place.</p><p> </p><p>"Food fight?!" He asks with way too much enthusiasm, reaching over to the bowl in his mom's lap.</p><p> </p><p>"NO!" Everyone else in the room shouts immediately, before breaking out into laughter.</p><p> </p><p>After, when Moana starts singing "How Far I'll Go", Pilar takes it all in. They all start singing along to the song, swaying in the most uncoordinated fashion. It certainly isn't a pretty sight, but what matters is that they are here, together. Recently, Saturday night movie nights have been filled with as many awkward silences as their nightly dinners, but tonight they seem to have life again. And no, it isn't like how they were back in Texas, it is better. It is better because the voices in her head have stopped telling her that her and her family will never understand each other. It is better because now they have no secrets acting as barriers between them. For once, she stops thinking about who she's lost and starts thinking about who she's gained. Because now she has Mia, now she has her family back. Now she has her true self back.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>please let me know what you think &lt;3</p><p> </p><p>new!: the 'relationships according to pilar salazar' official playlist! : </p><p>https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3hBKf9fWtPZ6to2MtKIwUE?si=26307b8e5cd74332</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>